I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
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Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
i wish i could marry a nap
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.