@KenJennings: I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
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@ThaJawn: Me: Off to adult school recess! Boss: it's called lunch.. Me: *runs by dribbling basketball with two hands
@Parker_Simpson: I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,"Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design"
@iamburtjarvis: [starbucks] me: can i take some wifi home with me? barista: um. sure(?) me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
@Donna_McCoy: Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.