me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Just grow your own
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?