Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
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People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism