@KenJennings: I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
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@KeetPotato: wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"
@LittleLostLad: Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with 'Kevin E' written on the side.