If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
channeling her this year
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.