@BangGanged: I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.
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@CatherineLMK: A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
@Donna_McCoy: That's not a halo. It's the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
@david8hughes: Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we're meeting my parents in 10 minutes Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready