Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
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Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Left at a local drug store…
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”