I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
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Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Every house has this drawer
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.