I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
i wish i could marry a nap
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
A drum solo but on your face.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is