‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream