I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
boat question
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
LOL!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
As the Lord intended
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties