@envydatropic: I slipped on ice and discovered I'm a natural at break dancing
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@TheCatWhisprer: WIFE: so what do you want for christmas? ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
@ArfMeasures: "Remember u don't choose your spirit animal. It choose u" ME: Ok great *all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*
@captainkalvis: Her: i think taking care of your teeth is super important. Me: *nodding* i like having teeth because then i can always taste my skeleton.