“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”