“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Never forget.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out