I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you