I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs