Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Fries, not lies.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”