Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
This is so me 😂😂
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler