@Brianhopecomedy: I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she'll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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@Mikecanrant: A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him. Stay in school kids.
@WilliamAder: Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants. Me: These are my legs.
@phxguy88: The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it. Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
@jordan_stratton: [job interview] Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I'll be able to buy pants. I can't just skip ahead to the last step.