@Brianhopecomedy: I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she'll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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@KateWhineHall: 10yo: You know that's not what they mean by exercise, right? Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
@lovemydogduck: My Phone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways
@sofarrsogud: SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s? ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.