I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse