I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.