I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
🙅🏻
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
this is uni
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy