I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.