what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My biological clock is wheezing.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.