@TommyKarate: I snort a lot of cocaine for a sober person.
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@ThisOneSayz: *at Starbucks* 7yo: can I order for you? Me: sure! 7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
@HatfieldAnne: Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
@TragicAllyHere: Please stop saying, "not all heroes wear capes." It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
@drinksmcgee: I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig… Until I realize that maybe she has a type.