I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Dishonest mechanic?