I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
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Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken