@Peteypops13: I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won't let me use their microwave.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.
@yerpalmildsauce: In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. "I wish he'd die," says Cupcake. They all nod.
@ItsLaTourette: It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me