I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull