@Peteypops13: I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won't let me use their microwave.
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@Sal0630: GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me? Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.
@Phook75: Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.
@KeetPotato: [1st day as cop] captain: "why did you call for back up" me: "there was a fly in my car" swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do"
@tacos_y_cerveza: If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20