I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Some of y’all tomorrow …
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆