Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
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My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
HOW DARE YOU
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.