@Faptually: I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
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@daemonic3: Mr. Trump, who's your Secretary of State? TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
@lisaxy424: I'm going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god Plastic surgeon: We can help with- Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
@iRowlf: I'm sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.