@Faptually: I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
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@UNTRESOR: If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I'd probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
@TheHyyyype: [paying at chipotle] ME: i got a burrito CLERK: that'll be ten dollars ME: with guac CLERK: that'll be ten thousand dollars
@jwoodham: Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
@HuggyOnline: Kids these days can't do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn't have Google. So, I pretty much couldn't do shit.