Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Good morning
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed