Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
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[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
me and who
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.