Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
A small tragedy.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
If looks could kill
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?