[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
You Might Also Like
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Breaking news:
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs