First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Erm…
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.