@ibid78: "I sound nothing like that when I cry." -doves
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@juliussharpe: The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
@XplodingUnicorn: My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party I can't wait till they pop the balloon & find out they're having a kraken
@InternetHippo: What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
@david8hughes: [phone rings] "Mr Hughes?" "Yeah." "We need u to come pick yr son up from school." "Ugh. Whats he done now?" "Nothing. Its nearly midnight."