{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
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[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Terribly Tuesday.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Hank is one in a melon.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring