I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
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It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
i can’t wait that long
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.