I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
new career option?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.