I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”