I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
necessity is the mother of invention
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
#TopTip
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
fair