I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy