I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting