I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
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What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed