I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.