I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
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Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Don’t touch that.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Real House Wines.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.