I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
You Might Also Like
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead