I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Morning my dudes.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.