I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.