@Sandrahadenough: I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones...I'm done..my arms are killing me!
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@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
@UncleDuke1969: “Your keys are over THERE.” - Wow. You have eagle eyes! “Yup. My vision is 20/20.” - No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
@DennisLWeaver: Friend: I love FB but it's gettin a lil boring. Me: Well that's cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
@PaperWash: [walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn't mean you can order before me