“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again