I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
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I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?