@PaperWash: I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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@CindyMeakin: What did the boy with no hands get for christmas? Gloves! Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.
@holypurgatory: A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
@SortaBad: "If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead" - brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
@NeinQuarterly: The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."