@PaperWash: I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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@EtobicokeErnie: The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.
@justaride: I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
@trojansauce: [after i confess to murder] COP: sarge? you gotta see this [shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]