I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion