My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
You Might Also Like
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.