Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.