So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.